ഞാന്‍ എവെടന് തോടങ്ങേണ്ടേ?.
Where should I start from? The beginning of all search in my life and the beginning of this blog came from confusion. Maybe confusion is too strong a word, just unclear focus of what is in front of me.
Paradox is good word to describe where I see myself. Constantly there is the pressure of opposing sides. I have to be in either one or the other. Always there is the push to define oneself in black and white categories. Now, I know it helps for their to be order in our perceptions so as to understand the world easily. Yet, I feel the organizing nature we have limits us to express our truest self.
Already I have started to speak in theoretical terms. Honestly, I began this blog because someone asked if I missed her, and if I did how do I know. I answered simply "I wanted to call you, and I knew we weren't supposed to call but I called you anyways." She said "Wrong answer" as to which I responded "Well, all day things happened and I wanted to tell you." Again she said "Wrong answer." I tried asking her what was the right answer, which apparently is against the rules, and so I googled the question. I found a blog which got me thinking and now I am here talking to, rather writing to God know who.
Actually it was my fault we weren't "talking." I was a bit confused to this morning. On Friday, for mass, I had read the first reading which was from 1 Thessalonians 4: 1-8. In part of the reading, St. Paul urges the Christians to find a wife in holiness and honor not on lust passions as the Gentiles do, which got me thinking. (As you can tell by now, my grammar stinks and I think about a lot.) I like this girl, but I am not sure if she is the one or not. I do not want to hurt this girl at all. Lets call her R for the sake of quicker typing. (No, the letter r is not in her name.)
Now, as I like R, I do not just think about sitting together and talking, or taking walks in the park, or going to watch movies. I would love to do these things with her, but I can't.
Hmm... let me back up for just a minute. In my culture and background (two different aspects), we don't have the same views on dating as would the American culture. For me, it is important that the dating is leading to a discernment in vocation. So, I do not want to just date everyone I feel like I would like to spend time with or as most people say "get to know." I would rather that the friendship I have with someone develop into something more.
That is kind of how this came about, except a bit more complicated. But basically the same. We are in the phase known as "talking" or pre-dating if you will. We don't go out together or plan to meet just by ourselves somewhere. All we do for the most part is talk ... long hugs here and there... things like that and so no making out, holding hands (in public) and other couple related activities or behaviours.
Anways, back to where I was, I would also love to be with her. I wonder sometimes if it is just lust to be with someone physically. I know sexual desires are part of human life, but if it is mostly these thoughts which are prevelant then isn't it lust. The whole point of the not talking is for me to step back and then see how I respond, which actually, I do feel as if I wasn't lusting in that respect. I think I just felt so much of the physical desires and I do not know how to control or release it appropriately. Okay, so I am not really sure what to make of the thoughts, but I do know there is something more, which leads back to the first quesiton posed by her.
How do I know I missed her? I do believe if I d0 like her, then in my mind, knowing I can not talk to her till Monday night (which was the plan) would instill in my some feeling of sadness or missingness. (I know that is not a word, but work with me here.) I am left with the memories of today, of all the times today I wish to talk to her, to make sure she was okay. Towards the end of the day, I asked my sister if R had called my sister. (They do talk, especially when R needs to talk to someone as a girl, which hopefully you realize I am not.) Then I remember tonight how the song "Calling you" by Blue October was on my mind. (I tired to figure how to play it on the keyboard and failed, oh well.)
The truth is, I know I like her I really do. It is just, some times I get overwhelmed by how much she cares, how much she likes, even love me. She really is an amazing girl, wonderful friend and possibly (in the future) one of the best girlfriends (can't say for sure since we are not really dating) a guy could have. She is so innocent, naieve, simple, childish, yet so mature, holy, courageous and strong. The love she has for God is unparalleled in my eyes. Just to see how close she is to God. She is always looking out for people and always looking for ways to help them. Yes, I know all this says is she is an amazing human being. The question of how I feel for her is still there.
I like her because... I do not know yet. Still thinking about it... or am I thinking too much about it. Is the answer already here? Do I like her? It would have been a clear answer had it not been for the fact that I am really really tired and it is 12:36 a.m and I need to wake up in the morning.
Well, for now these are my thoughts... till next time.... peace.