going up

Okay, so it has been awhile since I have written. (which is not much considering this is the second time I am witting). As the title suggests, things have been better, yet not. I do not know why, but my mind is very strange. One moment I could be totally okay with a solution but then I could turn out and then choose or do or think the exact opposite. I wish that I could pick one, but uncertainty keeps me at bay. I want to do the right thing, whatever that means.
I know that God's will is our deepest desires fulfilled, but at the same time I know it may involve pain. Pain is not necessarily a bad thing but it makes a decision much harder. You can't just say that "oh this method is good because it causes the least pain." Sometimes you end up hurting other people just because it is whats best for both you ya'll. Sometimes you have to forgo things you want because it is for the best.
Yet, I think what makes it worse for me, is that if this situation was between my friends, I would probably be able to make a decision. Which makes me wonder, if the advice I give can be valid to others. For example, if I am in a situation where I would advice other people to not be in, then why can I not follow my own advice. Why do I linger here in the middle of nowhere, confusing myself.
Being objective is good, but you can not talk to people objectively. You can't tell someone without making them feel you do not care at all. So maybe I do know what to do, just do not know how or why I am doing it. I wish to convey what is in my heart, but I do not clearly know my heart enough to explain it.

Oh God, here I stand with my heat bare open before you. Confusion, pride selfishness, lust, anger, distress, rationalism, and so many other feelings. I also want to love purely, live selflessly, work humbly, think gratefully, serve consistently. Just help me to listen to Your voice. I know you are speaking to me and I know you hear what I say. Break down the walls I have built up, carve the inside of me to be filled by You. Let me love You, and I know I can do no wrong.

This is my paradox, this is my life. There is a dragon inside of me, powerful and strong yet timid and gentle. There are chains surrounding me, holding me back yet I am the creator of these chains. I am my own limitation, I am my own potential. This seems so prideful, yet only in God can I come to be all I can. Only in dying can I truly live. Only by letting go can I be sure of anything.
This is true for all of us, therefore we are all.... paradoxDragon......
(hehehe, really dramatic right?)