Honesty with God

God, I really don’t know what to do right now. I had such “great” plans for my future and nothing seems to be working right. But I know that is my perception of how things are now. You have taught me so much in this time I have had and helped me grow in so many ways. I know that I have allowed my attachments and my desire for comfort keep me from truly becoming the man I want to be right now.

At times I get mad at You because I think I deserve more for what I have done and I know that is wrong way of thinking. Everything I have done, I want it to be for Your glory and I pray that you use my mistakes to make something beautiful.

I know that as far as the job hunt goes, you have made a place for me. Let me driven to find it and give you all the glory and thanks for the job I will get.

In the affairs of my heart, I know I wasn’t giving everything to You and I made so many mistakes. I’m sorry for all the people I have hurt in any way and for all the times I was not a good representation of You. Let me know Your intimate Love, and let me dwell on thoughts of you. Be the King of my heart, Lord, be the Lover of my soul. Everything I am oh Lord, I give it You now.

Help me to trust that You are Love pure and true and everything I need I can find in You!

Amen.

Letting go and letting God

As you can tell from my previous post, I’ve been down about some things. Adding to what I said before, I’m still on the job hunt. I feel in this moment, how much I don’t give myself to God.

I read in scripture of how the plans God has for me are for my welfare and it in this moment though I find that this idea is tested. I know how many times people are going through hard times, I tell them, “Don’t worry, God is got you. He has brought you this far, and He isn’t about to let go.”  Now I am trying to tell this to myself.

One of my best friends, John, put it the best way for me. God has planned something great for me in the future. I should allow God to give it to me in that time. He is giving me so much now and to deny that is to deny the good I can have in the present. I can’t change the past, and the future I have no control over. What I can do, is enjoy this time before this too passes and I take it for granted.

I don’t know why I’m experiencing this pain and sorrow, but I do know God has an amazing plan ready and I can start enjoying that now.

Changing seasons

It has been awhile since I have found myself here, writing about the feelings in my heart. There are a few times in my life when I find the need to write out my feelings because I can not fully express it in words and it is hard really tell someone. For some time now, I would update my Facebook statuses but that just makes me look dramatic. The intention behind the saying never really gets through. Also, I guess, this writing can be really comforting.

For some time now, I had liked this girl. I still do for the most part. However, she told me this past summer how the feelings are not mutual anymore. Which wouldn’t have been a problem had it not been for the fact that I had been growing in my feelings for her. Right now I find myself between feeling like I love her and should wait it out and just giving up on my feelings. The truth, I really don’t control my feelings and no amount of rationalization can change that (which I have tried and failed completely.) I know that the only way I can truly get over my feelings is when I come to realize that we are not good for each other and this is not what God wants in the future. Unfortunately, as of now, I don’t believe that and so I’m stuck where I am.

So, it also doesn’t help, that some of the things she is saying now is what I said before, and so a part of me feels like if I wait, then she will come around. Please don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t the best person she could have been with at that time. I was trying to figure out my emotions (which is super difficult as guy) and wasn’t committed to her in any way, whereas she was for sure of her feelings and was committed to me. We never officially dated, which I think was part of the problem and at the same time, we also expressed our feelings with each other. I can tell you first hand that this is the worst place to be in, but also the most comfortable at times. I didn’t want to change the status quo necessarily because I wasn’t required to do anything per say. What I didn’t realize was how everything we did had an impact on the now and how she viewed me now.

So, even though I’m ready to fully commit myself and give her the best of me, I’m stuck because all she is sees is the “worst” of me. Not the worst, but not what I could be…. at least thats what I tell myself for now….

EDIT:

I do want to clarify that I do not think that she sees the worst in me because of what she thinks. I believe that I was not the best I could be and I was too comfortable in the status quo. I wanted to change and I needed to change; however, I chose not to make the changes because it wasn't "affecting" me that much. I am sorry that I wasn't the best to her. I think she is an amazing person and will be a saint one day. I know she cares for me and I will always care for her. She is one my best friends and that will never change. I'm sorry if I gave you a bad impression of her, that was not my intention.