Honesty with God

God, I really don’t know what to do right now. I had such “great” plans for my future and nothing seems to be working right. But I know that is my perception of how things are now. You have taught me so much in this time I have had and helped me grow in so many ways. I know that I have allowed my attachments and my desire for comfort keep me from truly becoming the man I want to be right now.

At times I get mad at You because I think I deserve more for what I have done and I know that is wrong way of thinking. Everything I have done, I want it to be for Your glory and I pray that you use my mistakes to make something beautiful.

I know that as far as the job hunt goes, you have made a place for me. Let me driven to find it and give you all the glory and thanks for the job I will get.

In the affairs of my heart, I know I wasn’t giving everything to You and I made so many mistakes. I’m sorry for all the people I have hurt in any way and for all the times I was not a good representation of You. Let me know Your intimate Love, and let me dwell on thoughts of you. Be the King of my heart, Lord, be the Lover of my soul. Everything I am oh Lord, I give it You now.

Help me to trust that You are Love pure and true and everything I need I can find in You!

Amen.

Letting go and letting God

As you can tell from my previous post, I’ve been down about some things. Adding to what I said before, I’m still on the job hunt. I feel in this moment, how much I don’t give myself to God.

I read in scripture of how the plans God has for me are for my welfare and it in this moment though I find that this idea is tested. I know how many times people are going through hard times, I tell them, “Don’t worry, God is got you. He has brought you this far, and He isn’t about to let go.”  Now I am trying to tell this to myself.

One of my best friends, John, put it the best way for me. God has planned something great for me in the future. I should allow God to give it to me in that time. He is giving me so much now and to deny that is to deny the good I can have in the present. I can’t change the past, and the future I have no control over. What I can do, is enjoy this time before this too passes and I take it for granted.

I don’t know why I’m experiencing this pain and sorrow, but I do know God has an amazing plan ready and I can start enjoying that now.

Changing seasons

It has been awhile since I have found myself here, writing about the feelings in my heart. There are a few times in my life when I find the need to write out my feelings because I can not fully express it in words and it is hard really tell someone. For some time now, I would update my Facebook statuses but that just makes me look dramatic. The intention behind the saying never really gets through. Also, I guess, this writing can be really comforting.

For some time now, I had liked this girl. I still do for the most part. However, she told me this past summer how the feelings are not mutual anymore. Which wouldn’t have been a problem had it not been for the fact that I had been growing in my feelings for her. Right now I find myself between feeling like I love her and should wait it out and just giving up on my feelings. The truth, I really don’t control my feelings and no amount of rationalization can change that (which I have tried and failed completely.) I know that the only way I can truly get over my feelings is when I come to realize that we are not good for each other and this is not what God wants in the future. Unfortunately, as of now, I don’t believe that and so I’m stuck where I am.

So, it also doesn’t help, that some of the things she is saying now is what I said before, and so a part of me feels like if I wait, then she will come around. Please don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t the best person she could have been with at that time. I was trying to figure out my emotions (which is super difficult as guy) and wasn’t committed to her in any way, whereas she was for sure of her feelings and was committed to me. We never officially dated, which I think was part of the problem and at the same time, we also expressed our feelings with each other. I can tell you first hand that this is the worst place to be in, but also the most comfortable at times. I didn’t want to change the status quo necessarily because I wasn’t required to do anything per say. What I didn’t realize was how everything we did had an impact on the now and how she viewed me now.

So, even though I’m ready to fully commit myself and give her the best of me, I’m stuck because all she is sees is the “worst” of me. Not the worst, but not what I could be…. at least thats what I tell myself for now….

EDIT:

I do want to clarify that I do not think that she sees the worst in me because of what she thinks. I believe that I was not the best I could be and I was too comfortable in the status quo. I wanted to change and I needed to change; however, I chose not to make the changes because it wasn't "affecting" me that much. I am sorry that I wasn't the best to her. I think she is an amazing person and will be a saint one day. I know she cares for me and I will always care for her. She is one my best friends and that will never change. I'm sorry if I gave you a bad impression of her, that was not my intention.

Holding on to you…

When I’m with you, I see I love you more than I should right now. I adore you my love and I want fulfill even your smallest wish. Anything you ask for will be done. Yet, as I stand here in your presence, I realize you do not see it. You see glimpses of it, but I can explain it all away. I am the admirer, standing in front of a glass case in which is set the most beautiful sight in the universe. So close, yet so out of reach…

I am torn by two sides…

One says, Goodbye my love, I must let you go to live your life to the fullest. Goodbye my friend, goodbye.

The other, come to me, into my arms and feel what I feel. Never will you have to look for love. Come my queen, reign in my heart with Christ as my King.

The truth…

What I don't understand about myself is the amount I'm willing to give up of myself to others. I'm  not a selfless man by any means, but some of the things I do is just nuts. Maybe I do have underlying motives. However, there are no deep impacts if I don't get everything my way. Am I too young to see it? Is the disillusionment of my life yet to come. Has God brought me thus far only to show another side to life. I do not think so. There is an earnest desire in me to provide for the good of those around me. I will grant though that I work harder for those who I hold close to me. I will do what it takes to ensure that the people around me are taken care of in all parts but my family. I feel this is so because I do not sense a need for me at home. I feel as if all the things are in place, and when I am needed, then I am there, but in other places, I feel a sense of urgency. I do realize that in many things I do, I wish for a certain outcome, and I am selfish even in my outer selflessness. The journey for me entails a maturation of will and the decision making process. I must avoid what will cause me to stray. I have the knowledge, but lack so much of its practice. I know I focus too much on the experience of the now and fail to see what I can have in the future. My future is always full of possibilities, never limited by what is happening in the now, which is true, but I do not place enough weight on looking at the consequence of my actions. One my strength and weakness it the ability to start fresh in my mind. We must be ready to not be burdened by the past and at the same time not forget the lessons we have learned. We must first forgive ourselves so we can be created as new. This "newness" does not take away from our past experiences but brings them into the light of redemption. Our lives then become a pathway for the future, in as much as we allow it to be so. In order for this effect to reach full fruition, we must not only acknowledge our weakness, but also not be willing to hide them from those around us, at least those closest to us. As I read in a store once, "Honest is not only the best policy, but it is also the most efficient." The honesty must be present in our relationship with God, ourself, and those around us. This is not an easy task at first, but the one which will bear the most fruit. Our truest nature is to be honest as all the lies will only cloud and darken our focus.

Oh sweet bitter knowledge, how do you haunt me in all I do. Why is it I try to seal you inside, when you should be let free to transform not only me but the world around me. Guide me, Giver of knowledge, to enact Your Holy will. In all I do, speak, and think may I be honest  to who I am, your beloved child. You came to this earth and gave all You had for the sake of Your children. Help us to participate in this bond of Love by reciprocating in the best way we can.  We are not perfect, but all is made perfect by You.

God is Love

I believe when you look at any theological question, the answer will and must always start with God is Love. God is Love and Love is God. Where there is Love, there is God and vice versa. I also think, if we look for the answers to life, the questions are theological in nature. What problems do we have? What are the questions we have the hardest time with? All can be answered with God is Love.

My biggest struggle is to know what is my purpose in this life. I am constantly working to not fail, to not screw up, to do everything I can to succeed. At least, I try to, but because I do not recognize my fragility and my limitations, rather, because I do not accept who I am, I see only failure.

I am a child of God, created out of Love by God. Since God is Love, everything He does is out of Love and so the act of creating me, is an act of Love. As with humans, what is created in Love? Children. My identity is rooted in my childhood of God, but this is not all. I am created in the Love of God and I have been formed in the Love of God. My soul has tasted the Love of God, and nothing I have now compares to this Love.

So, what I am searching is the Love of God. My need to belong, to find peace, to be perfect, to find love, to find success, to find happiness, joy, peace, strength, all of it is found in the Love of God. I see failure because I do not see the Love God has for me. If, I know God is my Father, and my Lover, and I look to Him, and give myself to Him, then everything I am is completed by him. In my success, He brings forth the fruit. In my hopes, He brings forth reality. In my joy, He brings forth chances to share. In my sin, He brings forth forgiveness. In my failures, He brings forth lessons for me and those around me. “All things work for good for those who Love Him and are called according to His purpose.”

He is my Father, so why do I worry? Why do I wonder what I will do next? Why do I beat my self for every mistake I make? Why do I feel alone? Why do I feel anger, fear, greed, sloth, lust, pain, bitterness, chaos, confusion, etc? Because I have not yet been able to fully experience His love. You know what is awesome though? He knows, and all He says is “I love you, keep going, I am with you and I will never leave you.”

This is our God, our Father and Mother, our Lover.

Father God, I am in Your hands now. All of me. I know you have surrounded me by Your wondeful Love. I do not feel it and I suffer because of it. Yet You who have created the Heavens and the Earth knows this and You are patient with me. You say “my grace is sufficient for you, for strength is made perfect in weakness.” Father, Son and Spirit, to You I offer myself and this world. Complete us God, Enlighten Us, and Fill us with your Love. May we be every burning with Your Love and allow us the grace to trust in You. We are Yours, now and forever. Amen.

Looking for love in all the wrong/right/unsure places…

Like every person on earth, the one thing I seek constantly either consciously or unconsciously is love. I wish to find the peace, joy, hope, encouragement, and bonds which are found in love. I see the times I felt the most loved is when I tried to love first. As I opened my heart to let people in, then I began to see the love which already existed around me.

Unfortunately, I still seek the satisfaction and sense of comfort which love provides. What I mean is, I seek it all the time, even though I  know true and pure love isn’t about being happy all the time or having good times all the time. I know that love means experiencing pain and suffering. I know love hurts when what you want is not what is the best for someone and yet you let them go their way. I know love hurts when you give so much and yet people can’t even began to see how much you care for them. I know love means at times being protective and blunt knowing right then you may push them away. But I also know that love frees the soul of every person. I know the love, especially the love of God, will only build the goodness in me and those around me.

At times I may feel as if the love I seek is not returned, but I know the more I endure through whatever love brings, in the end, it will be awesome. I can be selfish, self-serving, self-centered, but I know God is using me in ways I can never imagine to help build Love, real love, in myself and the community around me. It is hard, especially because I expect to see the results in front of  me. It would be so hard for me if what I did showed no fruits, but God has been good to show me some of the things He is doing around me.

Honestly, whenever I get down and unhappy, all I need to do is start speaking to someone about what is going on in their lives or explain to someone what is happening in mine and I feel good. I remember one time I was looking through my Facebook photos and I saw all the good times I have had and all the love I have experienced.

Father God, how you Love us? You sent your only Son to redeem us from our own sins. Beloved Son, You gave everything You had and though they rejected You while You were dying on the cross, You still gave Your body, mind, soul and Spirit for us. Holy Spirit, You move through this world without notice. You move to form us and make us stronger, yet we forget You so often and hurt You so much. Triune God, we were created in Your Love, may this Love transform us and this world enabling us to be our fullest selves.