Shall I begin as I have and will? It sure has been awhile since last wrote something. I feel this is a place of peace and chaos. I come here, when I remember about this, to let go of many things which are in my heart. I have come today though to say where I stand now.
I just read the previous blogs. To be honest, I read the last one I wrote yesterday and just now I read the first blog I ever wrote. It is interesting for me to see the changes I have gone through since then. I realize I am at a different place now. First, i do not write this out of confusion, rather, there is clarity of sorts without certainty.
As far as the girl goes, “R”, there has been some peace since this past weekend. I was able to go for a retreat known as Youth 2000. About half way through the retreat I had made the choice to tell her I think we should be just friends not friends who like each other. (Trust me, there is a huge difference, and a difference between friends who like each other and friends who are attached to each other. Found the hard way the differences.) Yet, something happened with me. I am not sure what, but all of those thoughts left me. I just came to a point where I accepted we are friends who like each other but, I would try and talk to her about all that is going on.
I may not ever know what happened, what I do know is why there was so much struggle for me. Even though we were just friends, I was struggling between being her boyfriend and her friend. So, if I did not talk to her and was just hanging out with my friends and just have fun, I would feel guilty. What made it worse for me was the fact she would tell me every time a guy would flirt with her and she would feel bad. It made feel as if I too am supposed to be guilty about such things. Yes, I know it is not rational, but that is what I felt. Also, I am a selfish guy. Sometimes I just want to do what I want and sometimes all I wanted to do was too waste time. If I spoke with her, I would know what I should and knowing that I was not doing as I should would upset her which would upset me and I did not want to feel upset. Basically, I am used to living a life of instant pleasure. Even with helping people, I love it, and because I love it, I will keep doing it. This part of me, this habit, is changing and I will get rid of it, at least for the most part. The problem is that the habit is here and now. I do not want to keep disappointing her and upsetting her because I am not living up to my full potential.
Those were my thoughts, now I find myself in a different place. As a close friend told me last night, we human beings will disappoint each other. That is a fact because we can never live up to someone else’s expectation of us. I have my weakness and if I am honest about it, and I am honest with her, then I know it will be good and that God will lead us where He wants us. We are friends who like each other, and we are willing to let it flow as it needs to. There will be tensions, misunderstandings, sadness, but also peace, happiness, encouragement and hope. Is she the one for me? I do not know, but I do see God working in our friendship, in what we have and I will continue to offer this to God. BTW, I also do realize I like her a lot even if I do not feel anything at times, which is weird because in a way I feel that about God. I know I love God but do not feel in love with God. Hmm… this entry is getting long, so next time I will expound more on that…. for now, God Bless… Take care… Have fun… PEACE!
