What I don't understand about myself is the amount I'm willing to give up of myself to others. I'm not a selfless man by any means, but some of the things I do is just nuts. Maybe I do have underlying motives. However, there are no deep impacts if I don't get everything my way. Am I too young to see it? Is the disillusionment of my life yet to come. Has God brought me thus far only to show another side to life. I do not think so. There is an earnest desire in me to provide for the good of those around me. I will grant though that I work harder for those who I hold close to me. I will do what it takes to ensure that the people around me are taken care of in all parts but my family. I feel this is so because I do not sense a need for me at home. I feel as if all the things are in place, and when I am needed, then I am there, but in other places, I feel a sense of urgency. I do realize that in many things I do, I wish for a certain outcome, and I am selfish even in my outer selflessness. The journey for me entails a maturation of will and the decision making process. I must avoid what will cause me to stray. I have the knowledge, but lack so much of its practice. I know I focus too much on the experience of the now and fail to see what I can have in the future. My future is always full of possibilities, never limited by what is happening in the now, which is true, but I do not place enough weight on looking at the consequence of my actions. One my strength and weakness it the ability to start fresh in my mind. We must be ready to not be burdened by the past and at the same time not forget the lessons we have learned. We must first forgive ourselves so we can be created as new. This "newness" does not take away from our past experiences but brings them into the light of redemption. Our lives then become a pathway for the future, in as much as we allow it to be so. In order for this effect to reach full fruition, we must not only acknowledge our weakness, but also not be willing to hide them from those around us, at least those closest to us. As I read in a store once, "Honest is not only the best policy, but it is also the most efficient." The honesty must be present in our relationship with God, ourself, and those around us. This is not an easy task at first, but the one which will bear the most fruit. Our truest nature is to be honest as all the lies will only cloud and darken our focus.
Oh sweet bitter knowledge, how do you haunt me in all I do. Why is it I try to seal you inside, when you should be let free to transform not only me but the world around me. Guide me, Giver of knowledge, to enact Your Holy will. In all I do, speak, and think may I be honest to who I am, your beloved child. You came to this earth and gave all You had for the sake of Your children. Help us to participate in this bond of Love by reciprocating in the best way we can. We are not perfect, but all is made perfect by You.
