Don’t worry, I’m not here to criticize every male and bring down the “patriarchal control” that is in place, supposedly. The only thing I wish right now is to write many things which are on my mind.
I said it before… I do like a girl…. or at least I think so…. See, I find that we, as males, have a hard time knowing really what we want in terms of the emotional aspect in relationships.
The problem is worse for me because I tend to forget about the past and the future and just live in the present. If I am having a good time now, I don’t care about what has happened or what will happen.
This attitude helps a lot with stress, but causes many repressive and emotional problems. I can never tell what I am feeling. Although, I keep hearing people say, “You’ll know when your there.” Great advice for a man who constantly analyzes (and most of the time overanalyzes) everything.
Here I sit on the balcony of a beautiful apartment. But real beauty is outside. I can hear people talking on the balcony next to me. There is a slight smell of someone smoking, but the wind quickly blows it away and brings in the smell of nature to me. I see the sky as the sun has just set. Still remains a little light, and the western sky faintly glowing. The clouds dims the light even more and the lights of the city is shinning brighter as time moves on. A long sigh leaves…. and there is peace here.
In my mind though, questions flood from every . Where am I going? What should I do with my life? What do I want? What do I feel? What is right? What is wrong? Am I alone?
I can hear a plane fly by. The sounds of traffic slowly makes me drift into a trance and then I get distracted by the messages on meebo.
I really want to write about the issues in my mind. I just don’t know how to do so. But, here is what I feel. The girl I like (I’m trying to figure it out, so I don’t know what else to say), is a great girl. She is beautiful, Indian (I love India, and possibly move there), sings and dances ( I love music), very spiritual ( I could grow with her in my Charismatic Spirituality), cute, sometimes quirky (which I love), helps me to grow in faith, helps me to mature, and constantly tries to motivate me to be a better person.
She is a great person, but I don’t know how I really feel. I have been saying for so long that even though I don’t feel it sometimes, I know I like her. Yet I wonder, if when I think I like her because I want to call her and tell her what all going on, or when I am not doing anything I would want to call her. I love being with her and she is so much fun and weird.
Can I imagine my life with her? Yes, in a way I can. She would be a great mother and wife and friend. All of which I seem to be looking for.
So what is my problem? I have just described an amazing situation to be in, so what is it that is bothering me? The problem is me.
When I look at myself, I see a person who is so involved with what is now. I do think about her, yet, sometimes I don’t really call her. I don’t take time out from what I am doing just to make sure she is okay. She is constantly caring about me. Everyday she tries her best to make sure I am doing okay. She remembers every little thing that I have to do and makes sure I do it.
I don’t do that back. I don’t express that or feel the need to express that to her. I do care for her. I really do. I want to make sure she is okay. If she is hurting, I want to make it okay. But, I do that with my friends, except with her, I do it so much more. I mean, In the past week, the week when I have not really have not been able to talk to most of my friends or my family,I spoke to her the most.
I am attracted to her, a lot. I am. I just don’t know if I am supposed to be here. It’s not because I don’t feel like I shouldn’t. Just that, I don’t feel like I am (possibly I don’t want) to be in a relationship. I value her a lot. But now I wonder if I value her as a close friend. Everything I said before still applies. Everything she is to me, she will be to me ( and I think has been) as one of my closest friends. I don’t want to loose her and at the same time, I can’t keep hurting her.
She has asked me questions of whether I still want her, or if I am tired of her, or if I like her. I don’t want her to leave, to move away from my life. I am not tired of her, because I do appreciate who she is and I am so comfortable around her. I do like her as a person, and I love her as a best friend.
The sky has darkened to night. The lights shimmer and glow brighter than when I first sat down to write. The breeze is still there. Peace says the earth. Love says the sky. Truth says my heart.
The truth is….. I am not committed to her and I can not continue to let her think I am….
