Changing seasons

It has been awhile since I have found myself here, writing about the feelings in my heart. There are a few times in my life when I find the need to write out my feelings because I can not fully express it in words and it is hard really tell someone. For some time now, I would update my Facebook statuses but that just makes me look dramatic. The intention behind the saying never really gets through. Also, I guess, this writing can be really comforting.

For some time now, I had liked this girl. I still do for the most part. However, she told me this past summer how the feelings are not mutual anymore. Which wouldn’t have been a problem had it not been for the fact that I had been growing in my feelings for her. Right now I find myself between feeling like I love her and should wait it out and just giving up on my feelings. The truth, I really don’t control my feelings and no amount of rationalization can change that (which I have tried and failed completely.) I know that the only way I can truly get over my feelings is when I come to realize that we are not good for each other and this is not what God wants in the future. Unfortunately, as of now, I don’t believe that and so I’m stuck where I am.

So, it also doesn’t help, that some of the things she is saying now is what I said before, and so a part of me feels like if I wait, then she will come around. Please don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t the best person she could have been with at that time. I was trying to figure out my emotions (which is super difficult as guy) and wasn’t committed to her in any way, whereas she was for sure of her feelings and was committed to me. We never officially dated, which I think was part of the problem and at the same time, we also expressed our feelings with each other. I can tell you first hand that this is the worst place to be in, but also the most comfortable at times. I didn’t want to change the status quo necessarily because I wasn’t required to do anything per say. What I didn’t realize was how everything we did had an impact on the now and how she viewed me now.

So, even though I’m ready to fully commit myself and give her the best of me, I’m stuck because all she is sees is the “worst” of me. Not the worst, but not what I could be…. at least thats what I tell myself for now….

EDIT:

I do want to clarify that I do not think that she sees the worst in me because of what she thinks. I believe that I was not the best I could be and I was too comfortable in the status quo. I wanted to change and I needed to change; however, I chose not to make the changes because it wasn't "affecting" me that much. I am sorry that I wasn't the best to her. I think she is an amazing person and will be a saint one day. I know she cares for me and I will always care for her. She is one my best friends and that will never change. I'm sorry if I gave you a bad impression of her, that was not my intention.